


You'll Always Find Your Way Back Home

by Hamiltonbae24601



Category: Glee
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-02
Updated: 2019-05-06
Packaged: 2020-02-16 07:19:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,265
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18686755
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hamiltonbae24601/pseuds/Hamiltonbae24601
Summary: When Brittany leaves to tour and Santana's life falls apart, will she be willing to drop everything or will their relationship be over for good.- no character deaths





	1. 1

"I love you, Santana. I really do, I'm sorry." Brittany choked as she tried to control the tears that sprang from her eyes like weak waterfalls. The couple had had this conversation a million times but it never got easier, especially the night before they were separated. Brittany hadn't felt like this before in her life, never before has everything worked out exactly as it was meant to, she never thought she'd be the one to get the grades, or the jobs, or even Santana... and here she was, facing her girlfriend and telling her that even though she had all that she had ever wanted, those things simply couldn't happen simultaneously.

"I get it. You've made it Brittany, this is your dream and there is  _ no  _ way on this planet that I will be the one to stop you from this. We can do this now. We're older, more mature, we can make long distance work." Santana pleaded with pride and adoration, leaning into Brittany's arms. Her tears flowed down her cheeks, possibly being more emotional than her love who sat opposite her. She nuzzled herself into Brittany's arms, the instant comfort making her want to vomit. How could she go a full year without these cuddles? 

"You'll be okay? Santana, you come first in my life, ever since I got you back I knew I could never lose you. If this will hurt us then please just tell me. I can cancel my flight and we can spend the year looking for new jobs, I don't know if I want to leave New York just yet." 

“You’re more ready than you realise, Britt-Britt. It’s me who isn’t ready for this, but I’m more than ready to see you up on that stage. You’re made for this, baby. You’re not my Britt if you don’t have dance. I can come and visit you and we have facetime now, we won’t be worlds apart… they made planes for a reason, they were made to bring us together.” Santana told Brittany, trying to convince herself that she was okay with the tour more than she was trying to convince her girlfriend.

Honestly, Santana couldn’t be more proud of her girlfriend. Her first professional audition she’d ever done, she’d got the gig. To use Lady Gaga’s exact words,  _ the world hasn’t seen you yet and I feel sorry for them. I want you up on that stage and I want you to show the world that you were born for this reason!  _ Santana couldn’t agree more with what she had said, she knew what Brittany was worth, and she knew she was made for the biggest, most amazing things in this world. She knew they could make it through the year as a long distance couple, she knew that they didn’t really have a choice. 

“I love you, Santana Lopez.” Brittany sighed, cuddling closer to her girlfriend in bed.

“And I love you too, Brittany Pierce.” They snuggled closely together, knowing that this would be their last night in the same bed for a whole year.

 

\-    - -    - - -

 

The first few weeks were the hardest, or at least that’s what Brittany thought. Both girls called or texted each other at any free moment, sometimes talking even more than they would if they were with each other in person. As much as it sucked to be apart for so long, it wasn’t any worse than either of them had imagined, that was at least until they hit the third month of the tour. 

_ {Britt. Hey I know you’re probably asleep by now but I can’t sleep. I haven’t slept in days, nothing feels right without you and I hate being here alone. When are you least busy?} _

Much to Santana’s surprise she got a reply almost immediately.

 

**{Want to call me, Tan?}**

 

_ {I don’t think I can right now. I’m sorry. I don’t know why I brought this up. I guess I just miss you xo} _

 

**{I miss you too, baby. How was your day though, is everything okay?}**

 

Santana thought for a minute. Was everything okay? Truthfully, nothing felt okay, her depression felt so much worse than normal, as well as a whole heap of symptoms that she had never experienced before. She kept thinking, thoughts running through her mind which made her wonder if she could keep it hidden from Brittany any longer that she truly felt terrible. After several minutes of contemplation, Santana reached the realisation that Brittany was living her dream. The girl that she loved more than anything else had finally received everything that she could ever ask for, Santana knew that through everything, it was her job to act as if she was okay. Brittany didn’t need to be worried about her, she had enough on her plate already.

Truthfully, this was Santana’s depression talking now, if the girl was in her right mind, she would have more than likely told Brittany the truth. She would have been able to mention that she had been feeling more than a little under the weather but something in Santana’s brain was telling her that she wasn’t worthy of Brittany’s attention, especially when she had better things to do than be around Santana.

 

_ {Pretty good, just tired from going to work so late. My client today at the firm had one of the easiest cases I’ve ever been given, boring work really.} _

 

**{When did you get home baby?}**

 

_ {About an hour ago.} _

 

_ {now tell me about the tour! You get to hang out with Lady Gaga all day and I spent the day with criminals.} _

 

**{Oh she’s actually amazing! Just like you’d want her to be, and she’s hilarious. She let me tell her all about the times we covered her songs in Glee club. It was amazing!!}**

 

Santana felt her heart drop, something about brittany being this amazingly happy without her made her feel immeasurably useless. There she was, laying in their half empty bed next to a stack of old pizza boxes and chinese food cartons, feeling absolutely sorry for herself and grossly jealous of her girlfriend. It made her feel truly gross. How much of a bad person did she have to be to be bitter about her girlfriend’s success? It was only 9pm but she felt entirely exhausted, every inch of her body hurt and she could  _ not  _ take emotional stress on top of this. She decided it would just be better to get some rest now and wait until she was slightly less exhausted before she brought everything up to Brittany. That’s right, she just needed time, then she’d tell her the truth. She only needed more time. 

 

_ {She sounds great Britt-Britt. Anyway I’m going to sleep now, it was a really long day. I love you xo} _

 

**{Oh. Ok. Love you too, Tan.}**

 

It was blatantly obvious how upset Brittany was. She laid in her bed in London, willing away the tears that were pooling in the rims of her eyes. She blinked tightly, trying her best not to read too much into the fact that her girlfriend was being so uncharacteristically blunt with her. No matter what she did, nothing stopped it from hurting. She felt the first salty tear drop from her face, followed by floods more, making it the most she had cried since her first night away from home. Her chest felt tight and her hands started to quiver. Brittany truly had no idea what was going on with Santana, but she knew her well enough by this point to know that something was wrong. 

“Britt?” Sasha asked nervously, walking slowly into Brittany’s bedroom. The two women were sharing a hotel room for the tour, obviously having separate bedrooms since both ladies had a significant other that they had left at home. They both liked having the company in each other, finding it incredibly useful to have somebody that understood how they felt when they said they felt homesick. The familiarity of knowing somebody was what was helping both girls through the tour, no matter how much of a dream this was for both of them, both of them had to admit that it was the most physically and mentally demanding thing they had ever done. 

“Sasha.. Hey. Sorry let me just… sorry it’s been a hard night.” Brittany admitted, using a sweaty hand to move the hair from in front of her face. The blonde mop was left matted and tangled from the extensive volumes of hair gel and spray that went into her dance hair every night, from travelling to France just the night before, none of the girls had really had a chance to sort out the remnants of the previous sho’s hairstyles.

“We’ve all been there.” Sasha sighs, taking a deep breath. “Want to tell me what happened?” She offered, pulling her best friend into a hug.

“Would that be okay?” Brittany asked and, to the surprise of nobody, Sasha instantly agreed to the conversation. “Santana text me tonight and it was so weird. First she was desperate to talk to me, then she didn’t want to call me and almost straight after that, she went to bed. She was so blunt with me and she hasn’t been like this since before she came out. I can’t help but feel like there’s something else going on that she doesn’t want me to know.” She blabbered quickly, feeling the weight off her shoulders slowly settle to a more permanent place in her heart. As good as it felt to have her feelings out in the open, she was wise enough now to realise that even after she had said something, it didn’t mean that the issue was solved. 

“I might not know her as well as you do, Britt, but I can tell just from meeting her that she worships the fact that you exist.” Sasha tried to comfort her, not fully grasping the idea that her friend wasn’t worried about her relationship with the Latina, she was worried about the girl herself. 

“You just don’t get it though,” she took a deep breath “I don’t worry about my relationship at all. Not one bit, I have all my trust in Santana and I know she wouldn’t let me down. I know that there’s something going on with her. She deflects like this when something goes wrong in her life and I don’t know how I can help her at all when she’s in New York.”

“Do you want me to text her? Maybe it would be easier for her to admit to something because she isn’t as close with me?” Sasha suggested, pulling her messy ginger curls into a ponytail so that she could start to get ready to go to sleep. 

“No. No definitely don’t do that. She hasn’t even said anything is wrong… I’ll talk to her. I should go to bed now too anyway.” The blonde tried her hardest to halt the immense yawn that escaped her once quivering lips. 

“Of course.” Sasha smiled, trying to empathise as best she could with her closest friend. “See you tomorrow.” 

Brittany simply waved to her dance partner, deciding to put one of Santana’s shirts that she had packed to take with her so that she could almost feel the comfort of her girlfriend’s arms around her torso. She picked up her phone off of her bedside cabinet, deciding to send her love just one more message before she drifted off. She desperately wanted to show her girlfriend the undying love that she possessed for her, but the last thing she wanted was to seem clingy towards her, especially if she was hurting. 

 

**{Hey baby girl. I know you said that you were gonna sleep early so I guess I just want to tell you how much I love you. I need you to know that no matter how many miles and hours are between us, I’m never more than a call away. I’m wearing your shirt now, it still smells like you. My bed feels so empty}**

 

Brittany threw her phone down in frustration and deleted everything that she’d written. Everything she had typed had seemed so artificial, Santana would be able to tell just from that text that something was wrong and Brittany knew that she wouldn’t open up. She decided to try to text her one last time and then she would call it a night.

 

**{Hey baby girl. I love and miss you so much. I’m wearing your shirt now and somehow it makes me miss you even more. I want you to know that if anything is going on, you can ALWAYS talk to me. I love you Tan. See you tomorrow xo}**


	2. 2

Santana woke up the next morning with her head pounding. It was obvious that after how much she had sobbed last night, she wasn’t going to be able to wake up without feeling the after effects of ehr extreme crying. Mind you, she was never one who usually got a headache from crying, maybe it was just the circumstances she thought. She reached for her phone off of her bedside cabinet and unplugged it before rolling to Brittany’s side of the bed, once again disappointing herself with the cold bed sheets that she was greeted with. She took a moment to smile at her background of her phone. It was a collage of photos of her and her blonde haired lover. The first was a photo from their first year together, both in their Cheerios uniforms, Brittany sat in one of the plastic chairs at the back of the glee club and Santana sat in her lap, the two teenagers with massive grins on their faces. The next photo was of Santana’s graduation day, her taller girlfriend had stolen her graduation cap and had it in her head as she dipped the Latina in a kiss. The photo after that was one of the couple at one of their countless movie nights, Santana was holding the camera, only displaying half of her face and Brittany was wearing a long t-shirt and boy shorts, beaming down at a bowl of popcorn. Looking at the photos brought a smile to Santana’s face that seemed long forgotten and she knew in that moment that she had to talk to Brittany, she’d missed the sound of her lover’s mellow voice.

Santana looked at the text that was displayed on her screen from her girlfriend and smiled from an even deeper place than before. Even though she had never doubted their love, the text had managed to reassure her of any worries that might have been hidden deep in her brain.

 

**{Hey baby girl. I love and miss you so much. I’m wearing your shirt now and somehow it makes me miss you even more. I want you to know that if anything is going on, you can ALWAYS talk to me. I love you Tan. See you tomorrow xo}**

 

The words stuck with Santana, she could practically hear her girlfriend’s reassuring tone and see her small but adoring smile as she professed her love for her. Her mood was instantly elevated by the sweetness and real genuine nature of the words and, despite the pain in the joints of her fingers, Santana managed to type a reply quicker than most people could imagine. 

 

_ {Morning Britt. I love and miss you even more than you know. I’m laying your side of the bed right now and it just feels wrong to be here without you. Call me so I can have the next best thing?xo} _

 

**{I’m guessing you’re not bust right now? I’m actually at my hotel room now so give me five minutes to kick Sasha out and then call me baby xo}**

 

The five minutes felt like five hours for Santana who was waiting not so patiently in her space in the bed when she felt her phone start to vibrate, her background lighting up with her favourite photograph of her long distance lover. Frantically, she picked up the phone, ignoring the dull pain that resonated through her knuckles when she answered the persistent ringing.

“Morning baby, you look exhausted.” Brittany noted as Santana propped her phone up by the bedside, pulling her hair into a bun and putting on her glasses so she could see her better. Santana never wore her contacts at home, it was something she truly hated doing but she also loathed the way that she looked when she wore her glasses.

“I am exhausted, but I missed you so much! I haven’t heard your voice since you left for Paris, how’s France treating you?” Santana’s heart pounded out of her chest and her palms became sweaty. She found that to be the thing that she loved most about being in love, the feeling of pure excitement never died when your feelings were so deep and so true. 

“Paris is exhausting! Honestly, dancing so much when you’re so jetlagged is  _ so  _ not a good idea. I’m barely standing by the end of the night.” her soft giggles connected the distance between Paris and New York, the familiar sound unknowingly warming Santana’s heart.

“I don’t understand how you do it, sweetie! I’m barely awake at 9pm and you’re dancing pretty much constantly! I’m only a lawyer!” Santana laughed at her own words and Brittany furrowed her brow. 

“Only a lawyer? Tan, you graduated top of Harvard Law and you’re  _ the most  _ expensive and well qualified attorney in New York City, yet you’re still just you. That hardly makes you ‘just a lawyer’.” Brittany couldn’t help herself, Santana needed to know how special and talented she was. She was so widely appreciated by so many people across the whole country and Brittany found it to be her job to remind Santana that she was seemingly the only person in the whole state who was actually qualified like she was. In Brittany’s eyes, and the eyes of the rest of the country, Santana truly was something special, something not too far from being a genius. 

“I guess…” She mumbled, getting out of bed and going down to the kitchen to brew her coffee, taking her phone with her. “Oh my god, B. You’ll never guess what I agreed to today!” Santana rolled her eyes and set her phone down on the kitchen counter, moving her arms to exaggerate her disinterest in the plans that she had made.

“Let me guess, it involves Miss Rachel Barbra Berry?” Brittany let out a giggle, knowing Santana’s persistent dislike for the girl since high school. Recently their relationship had developed from severe dislike to simply ‘acquaintances’. 

“How did you know this already?” Santana gasped, cracking all of her knuckles before picking up her mug, causing Brittany to cringe at the sound. 

“My good friend, Instagram, has been telling me all day. Baby, Rach can’t make any plans without blabbing to the whole internet about what she’s doing. I guess that’s the sacrifice she had to make to be a  _ star! _ ” The dancer mimicked their old glee club member, triggering Santana into a fit of giggles. As much as she loved that fact that they could be serious with one another, Santana really cherished the fact that her girlfriend was the only person who was able to make her giggle like she was still a teenager. 

“Don’t forget that Quinnie will be there too!” Santana groaned, hating herself for that fact that she truly seemed incapable of liking anybody that she went to high school with, the obvious exception being Britt. 

“Sounds like you’ll be in heaven then!” The statement once again left the couple giggling softly before Brittany’s attention was turned to the door that had opened behind her. Sasha revealed herself, bearing the bad news that Brittany was needed down in rehearsals.

“You have to go?” Santana sighed, looking at the shining blue eyes then to the stuffed duck that sat on the bed. It was kind of a joke gift that Brittany had given to her girlfriend before she left as a ‘way to remember her’ but since the distance had started to become more of an issue, Santana found herself spending more time with the stuffed toy than even she had predicted. 

“I’m afraid so. But I’ll text you on my lunch break and maybe I could call you tonight?” The tone of the call had changed and neither of the women could quite figure out how to handle the temporary goodbye. 

“Yeah, I’d like that a lot. I miss you so much, beautiful.” Santana wiped a tear that she hadn’t realised she had cried until it was teasing at her lips. The saltiness of it repulsed her. It was as if her tears were trying to replace the presence of her girlfriend’s lips but they were failing miserably, leaving a taste that was less than desirable. 

“I love you, Tan. Have the best day you can, even if you do hate all of our friends.” The attempt at a joke didn’t make either of them laugh, as much as the Latina appreciated her girlfriend’s attempt to lighten the mood. 

“I love you too. See you tonight, babe.” Santana gave a weak smile before pressing the button to end the call. It was as if the button not only had the power to end the contact, but the power to stop the function of her heart. Each time it beat it felt more painful than the last, only amplifying the pain she felt in the rest of her body. It was dawning on Santana that, as much as it wasn’t helping the situation, Brittany’s absence wasn’t the only thing that was causing her to feel so absolutely terrible. There was definitely something else going on.

She dragged herself into the shower and turned on the hot water, letting her tears mix with the flow from the shower head. Everything ached, she just felt exhausted and the heat from the water didn’t seem to be helping her, turning the dull ache in her fingers to more of a burning pain. After a few failed attempts to open the shampoo bottle, she gave up, deciding that her hair could just as easily be put into a bun. 

Santana could truly say that she had never felt more unwell than she had that morning but she had decided it was all down to her sadness. She knew she had to leave the house so she got dressed in a pair of leggings and one of Brittany’s hoodies and she left the house with only her wallet and her phone. Any other day, the Latina would have taken the chance to walk through the city in order to reach the cafe, but today that wasn’t the case. Despite just waking up, she was exhausted and just needed to sit so she called a taxi to take her three blocks away. 

“Santana! Damn girl you look like hell.” Quinn examined her, almost scoffing when she saw how grey Santana’s skin looked. She was expecting nothing less from her ‘best friend’, compliments weren’t exactly Quinn’s  _ thing.  _

“Tell me something I don’t know, Lucy.” Santana shot back, gaining a disapproving glare from both Rachel and Quinn. 

“Santana, Hi, I haven’t seen you in ages! How are things without Brittany around?” Rachel asked the dreaded question, eliciting an eye roll from Santana. 

“Well I’m lonely but that’s pretty much it…” Santana stopped for a second to think. Really, it would be selfish of her if she didn’t rave about Brittany’s incredible success. “I’m so proud of her though, Sasha has been sending me videos of them rehearsing or when Brittany’s on stage alone because she has her solo. Honestly she’s the best thing I’ve ever seen. It’s just incredible. The tour comes back to the US in four months and B’s already scored me tickets to all of the shows so I get to see it all in person-.” She continued her happy rant until Quinn stopped her, giving a playful wink.

“You’re so freaking whipped, babe. You have no clue how  _ in love  _ you sound. I kind of wish I was you.” She laughed and Santana let out a weak chuckle. 

 

“You really don’t, I’m crazy alone for the next six months until the tour is over. It’s just with it to see her so happy.” She smiled as her phone chimed and she checked it, loving Brittany’s incredible timing. 

 

**{How’s lunch going? Is it hell? I’ll call you later and we can talk about you turning into Snix xo love you}**

 

Santana speedily types out a reply, wanting Brittany to know that she was completely correct about how lunch was going. 

 

_ {complete hell, you’re right baby. Berry’s ranting about how I couldn’t be texting you if I was at the theater wtf is she on. I have to go before she kills me. Love you more xo} _

 

“Earth to Santana!” Rachel snapped her fingers in front of Santana’s face. Her brows were creased and one of her hands sat impatiently on her hip. “Were you ever going to reply to me?!” She snapped, reminding Santana why she didn’t actually like her friends. 

“I’m sorry, I’m completely not with it. What were you saying, Berry?” Santana yawned, taking the time to crack all of her achy knuckles before drinking her americano and avoiding the sandwich that she had ordered earlier. She was too tired to eat at this point. Too tired and far too lonely.

“I was asking if you wanted to come to see a movie with us after lunch? Puck has Amelia today so Quinn doesn’t have to be home until bedtime time and I don’t have a show tonight.” Rachel explained again and Santana couldn’t bring herself to agree to the extended plans. Everything felt like it was moving double the speed and the pain in her left hand was pretty much unbearable by the point that the dragged it through her dirty hair. 

“I’m actually busy today. Gotta go and call my mom after this.” She lied and checked her watch, pretending that the time meant something significant to her other than providing a fake reason to escape.

“Hey, San are you sure you’re okay?” Rachel checked, her concern was amplified when she saw a piece of Santana’s hair left behind on the chair. She pointed to the small pile on brown hair that was balanced on the back of the chair, in order that Santana knew why she was asking. Santana couldn’t believe what she saw, her beloved hair was no longer here. Her body was a total mess. She took a deep breath and told herself to take some time out.

“Yeah, I have to go. My mom is calling now.” Santana sighed, gesturing to her phone which was blatantly not receiving a call. Santana had to stop. She had to, and she knew it. Everything felt too much for her right now and she needed time off. She got another cab home and paid the driver whatever she had left in her wallet, accidentally paying an extra $20 but truly not caring. By this point the pain was excruciating through her fingers, toes and even her left ankle was proving to be an issue.  _ Don’t tell Brittany. She’s touring and you’re just going to burden her. _ Santana’s thoughts were torturing her as she sank to the floor, her body racked with sobs. 

By this point, she was in too much pain to care what was going on. Too weak to reach the Advil, and having convinced herself that her mom would be calling, she didn’t hesitate to pick up the phone on the first ring. She was met with the sympathetic blue eyes of her girlfriend when she looked to the screen.

“Tan. Baby. What’s going on?” Brittany tried to soothe her, doing a truly terrible job of masking her own nervousness when she saw that state that Santana was in. 

“It’s nothing.” She whimpered, the shooting pains down her fingers proved too much when she went to wipe her eyes and it sent her phone crashing to the ground, along with her body. She laid there for a while, half listening to what Brittany was saying but not paying enough attention to actually give a reply. She was definitely conscious but everything felt fuzzy to her, she was completely exhausted, there was no sugarcoating it.

“Tana? San? Babe?” Brittany used a series of nicknames to try and get her attention. She didn’t know how to deal with the sound of her sobs over the phone line. “Can you talk to me please? Just say hello. Make any kind of noise if you can hear me please.” Her pleading had turned to sobs as well. Since the camera was facing the ground, the blonde had pretty much no idea what was happening to her beloved and it was terrifying her. Santana let out a short, but pained, mumble to let Brittany know she was okay and suddenly the blonde felt a rush of relief sweep through her blinding anxiety.

“Okay, can you get your phone? Please baby?” She basically begged and Santana reached for her mobile, balancing it against the wall so that Brittany could see her. “Oh you’re so gorgeous.” Brittany whispered, hoping to coax Santana to say something, even if it was self deprecating. Any kind of communication would be good communication. 

“I love you.” She whimpered and Brittany’s heart shattered. It sounded raspy, and not in a good way.

“You’re in the living room, right?” Brittany tried to soothe her. 

“Yeah.” She whispered, not crying quite as hard at this point.

“Can you get to the couch? Or can you pull a pillow and blanket down for yourself?” She asked, desperately just wanting to scoop her up in her arms and cuddle her close. She watched her shaky movements as the blanket was haphazardly pulled from the couch, eliciting an almost shriek like sob. 

“I’m scared.” She whimpered, taking a look down at her swollen and excruciatingly painful knuckles. 

“Stay on the phone with me, okay. I’m gonna go and get my laptop and I’ll book tickets on the next flight home, okay?” Brittany reassured her. “Do you want me to get someone to come over, do you need to go to hospital?” 

“B I need painkillers.” She whimpered, showing her hands to the camera. Brittany winced when she saw them. The middle knuckle on all of her fingers was almost twice the size it usually was and it looked truly absurd on such tiny hands. As for the rest of her, her usually caramel skin was simply washed out, her hair looked patchy and her face was noticeably narrower. 

“Okay do you think you can get them? Tan baby I wish I could help.” She struggled for words, loathing the fact that she was in France. It was their first international stop on the tour and after being there for only two days, everything had gone wrong. 

“Come home. Please.” She sniffled, her cries quieting from sheer exhaustion. 

“I’m on the next flight. I’ll be with you by two am baby. I promise you, Tana, everything will be okay.” She tried her hardest to act calm, no matter how terrified she truly was. “I love you.” She pressed a kiss to the camera in a lame attempt to cheer up her girlfriend. 

“I love you too.” Santana replies weakly, the line dying as Brittany left the comforting WiFi of her temporary hotel room. 


End file.
